Monday, August 13, 2012
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Def (Prison) Poetry
(read this with an angry black mans voice in mind)
This was the last time Larry said shit in the shower.
This time i was ready.
The wardens bifday was the night prior.
I knew I'd have time.
Marcus showed up right on time, just as his letter said.
It was just then when Randy changed the tempo.
He began soaping his ass in a way no nigga Eva done before.
Practically beggin, done n gone made an example upon his ass.
A friend is a friend.
But I'll kill my best friend to prove a point.
Long story short
Larry didn't make it to the yard the next day
2 packs of newports as promised.
Another day.
Another day
This was the last time Larry said shit in the shower.
This time i was ready.
The wardens bifday was the night prior.
I knew I'd have time.
Marcus showed up right on time, just as his letter said.
It was just then when Randy changed the tempo.
He began soaping his ass in a way no nigga Eva done before.
Practically beggin, done n gone made an example upon his ass.
A friend is a friend.
But I'll kill my best friend to prove a point.
Long story short
Larry didn't make it to the yard the next day
2 packs of newports as promised.
Another day.
Another day
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Gross Beef
The 10 people who will see this,
I know I have neglected this page for a long time now. I know I said I'd never neglect this page but then again, I was probably drunk when I said it so...it didn't count. In an effort to redeem myself I have been typing away every night cranking out new drafts for you to read while you pretend to look bust at work. They are coming soon.
In the meantime-
If someone can smear blood and feces on a canvas and call it art, then there is market for my digital toilet steaks after all. In an effort to promote my YouTube channel I present: No Strings Attached.
See more low brow hijinks at:
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
There Will be Blood.
This is a review I wrote for "CitySearch.com" regarding a recent medical visit to Sunset Urgent Care (9201 W Sunset Blvd # 705. West Hollywood, CA 90069). The site said my post was too long but i didnt want it going to waste. The review went as follows:
About a month ago I had a pain in my right big toe. I looked up the symptoms and I had an ingrown toenail. Very common, very treatable. I had a vacation planned the following week, so I wanted to get this taken care of so I'd be on antibiotics and healed by the time i departed LA.
Simple enough.
I called ahead and asked if they were able to treat this condition and they said yes and to come in. I obliged.
I was called in and showed what I thought was a nurse my toe. My toe was red and swollen, the infected area was humorously obvious. The nurse (i dont really know if she was a nurse or doctor) asked me if I had any redness or swelling. I found this kind of funny because it was like asking a clown if and where she could locate his big red nose. She examined my toe then informed me that she would have to make an incision along the inside of my big right toe. This was not a surprise, I did the research before going in and expected to go under the knife. An inch long incision to allow the site to drain, throw me on some antibiotics and then Id be out the door. I got it.
She seemed hesitant prior to doing any cutting wich made me worried. She seemed so hesitant that I asked if it was her first time. She said no but that she usually does this procedure on people's hands. That was kind of a red flag but it really is simple so i figured it would be like messing up a 1 car funeral. It would take effort to ruin. As it turns out, im not a medical professional, but i am a great judge of a looming fail.
She gives me about 5-8 big shots of lidocaine in my foot to numb me up. It hurt but I knew it was all part of the routine. My toe was fat by the time it was numb it was so full of the numbing agent. Probably normal. She made the incision. I didn't feel a thing, at least the lidocaine was working. My toe begins to bleed. We make conversation. It continues to bleed. The blood doesn't bother me at all. I watched it bleed with the same curiosity I watch shark week. It was foreign and honestly kind of cool to see (based on novelty...and my experience killing all of those hookers back in the 70s). At this point I figured it would stop at any minute, she would patch me up and then we would high five on my way out.
Nope.
(This was taken in the first minute, while it was still amusing)
It bled and bled and bled. She put a little gauze and pressure on it, but I could tell she wasn't doing it properly. Any idiot can tell you that unless you lose an appendage, pressure will stop bleeding in pretty much most cases. She would lightly hold it there. Then she would have to change the gauze over and over again because I was bleeding through them about as fast as she could reach for a new one. A small pile formed and it continued to grow. The blood was flowing to the point that i could see the pressure fluctuating with my now increasing heart rate. Id feel my heart beat, then watch my toe rhythmically spew more blood, obviously she hit an artery. This went on for probably 10-15 minutes before the what I assume "house doctor" came in to give her a hand. He knew to come in because she left the room looking for assistance after bloody gauze moonpie 16.
Eventually the doctor came in and took over which visibly frustrated the nurse/butcher. She kept insisting that she had it under control but given the literal standing pool of blood on the table, he used his better judgement. I was light headed at this point. He applied more pressure and the bleeding slowed down enough for him to wrap it in gauze. His attempt was feeble because the gauze was saturated by the time he finished.
They sent me on my way, still bleeding. When I got home my shoe had magically shape-shifted into a makeshift blood kiddie pool. I didn't realize this until i noticed a pool of blood forming on my couch. My house looked like a still taken from the OJ court proceedings, minus the ice cream.
This all happened about a month ago. I sit here typing this now with a toe three times as infected as it was when I went to Sunset Urgent care. I thought this would eventually heal its self but it looks like im going to have to give this procedure another shot with someone who knows what they are doing. If i sense any hesitation this time, Ill be sure to speak up.
Kiss my ass Sunset Urgent care. You wasted blood I could have donated to a good cause or a needy vampire.
-The guy at the pool party with the mutant toe-
About a month ago I had a pain in my right big toe. I looked up the symptoms and I had an ingrown toenail. Very common, very treatable. I had a vacation planned the following week, so I wanted to get this taken care of so I'd be on antibiotics and healed by the time i departed LA.
Simple enough.
I called ahead and asked if they were able to treat this condition and they said yes and to come in. I obliged.
I was called in and showed what I thought was a nurse my toe. My toe was red and swollen, the infected area was humorously obvious. The nurse (i dont really know if she was a nurse or doctor) asked me if I had any redness or swelling. I found this kind of funny because it was like asking a clown if and where she could locate his big red nose. She examined my toe then informed me that she would have to make an incision along the inside of my big right toe. This was not a surprise, I did the research before going in and expected to go under the knife. An inch long incision to allow the site to drain, throw me on some antibiotics and then Id be out the door. I got it.
She seemed hesitant prior to doing any cutting wich made me worried. She seemed so hesitant that I asked if it was her first time. She said no but that she usually does this procedure on people's hands. That was kind of a red flag but it really is simple so i figured it would be like messing up a 1 car funeral. It would take effort to ruin. As it turns out, im not a medical professional, but i am a great judge of a looming fail.
She gives me about 5-8 big shots of lidocaine in my foot to numb me up. It hurt but I knew it was all part of the routine. My toe was fat by the time it was numb it was so full of the numbing agent. Probably normal. She made the incision. I didn't feel a thing, at least the lidocaine was working. My toe begins to bleed. We make conversation. It continues to bleed. The blood doesn't bother me at all. I watched it bleed with the same curiosity I watch shark week. It was foreign and honestly kind of cool to see (based on novelty...and my experience killing all of those hookers back in the 70s). At this point I figured it would stop at any minute, she would patch me up and then we would high five on my way out.
Nope.
It bled and bled and bled. She put a little gauze and pressure on it, but I could tell she wasn't doing it properly. Any idiot can tell you that unless you lose an appendage, pressure will stop bleeding in pretty much most cases. She would lightly hold it there. Then she would have to change the gauze over and over again because I was bleeding through them about as fast as she could reach for a new one. A small pile formed and it continued to grow. The blood was flowing to the point that i could see the pressure fluctuating with my now increasing heart rate. Id feel my heart beat, then watch my toe rhythmically spew more blood, obviously she hit an artery. This went on for probably 10-15 minutes before the what I assume "house doctor" came in to give her a hand. He knew to come in because she left the room looking for assistance after bloody gauze moonpie 16.
Eventually the doctor came in and took over which visibly frustrated the nurse/butcher. She kept insisting that she had it under control but given the literal standing pool of blood on the table, he used his better judgement. I was light headed at this point. He applied more pressure and the bleeding slowed down enough for him to wrap it in gauze. His attempt was feeble because the gauze was saturated by the time he finished.
They sent me on my way, still bleeding. When I got home my shoe had magically shape-shifted into a makeshift blood kiddie pool. I didn't realize this until i noticed a pool of blood forming on my couch. My house looked like a still taken from the OJ court proceedings, minus the ice cream.
This all happened about a month ago. I sit here typing this now with a toe three times as infected as it was when I went to Sunset Urgent care. I thought this would eventually heal its self but it looks like im going to have to give this procedure another shot with someone who knows what they are doing. If i sense any hesitation this time, Ill be sure to speak up.
Kiss my ass Sunset Urgent care. You wasted blood I could have donated to a good cause or a needy vampire.
-The guy at the pool party with the mutant toe-
Friday, May 21, 2010
Update:
Sorry it has been forever since I posted anything on here. Clearly being employed and updating my blog were directly correlated after all. Nothing wards off professional responsibility quite like spending hours writing and proof reading public ramblings about my personal life.
I usually update my Facebook telling everyone to come check out any new posts I write... but Im not going to this time, so if you see this, you are one of the loyal few that checks this out of the goodness of your bored heart.
I've decided Im going to start doing video updates in addition to my usual written rants. I'm going to post polls on Facebook regarding the content of my video assignments, whichever wins the popular vote will then get created, edited and posted for your enjoyment.
No electoral college here, just balls and tacos.
Whenever traffic gets pumped up for the site I want everyone to backtrack on older shit I've done, so the first poll is going to be decided by whoever sees this unadvertised post (maybe 5 people).
Comment on which you want to get made:
1) I drink 2 bottles of wine on camera then see what happens.
2) Pedestrian thoughts over a basket of chicken fingers.
3) Watch me inflate a kiddie pool in a speedo...then swim in it.
4) Drive through the McDonalds drive through backwards.
The choice is yours...
I usually update my Facebook telling everyone to come check out any new posts I write... but Im not going to this time, so if you see this, you are one of the loyal few that checks this out of the goodness of your bored heart.
I've decided Im going to start doing video updates in addition to my usual written rants. I'm going to post polls on Facebook regarding the content of my video assignments, whichever wins the popular vote will then get created, edited and posted for your enjoyment.
No electoral college here, just balls and tacos.
Whenever traffic gets pumped up for the site I want everyone to backtrack on older shit I've done, so the first poll is going to be decided by whoever sees this unadvertised post (maybe 5 people).
Comment on which you want to get made:
1) I drink 2 bottles of wine on camera then see what happens.
2) Pedestrian thoughts over a basket of chicken fingers.
3) Watch me inflate a kiddie pool in a speedo...then swim in it.
4) Drive through the McDonalds drive through backwards.
The choice is yours...
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