Phrases: Things I would say pt_1?

I honestly doubt anyone but the voices in my head will find this funny, but I think some of you might like it and so do I. Here is a list of old popular quotes that I have tweaked to make my own.

"Home is where the stink is" - President Obama

Instead of "always respect you elders," I would change it to " I just can't look at grandpa the same after he pooped on the lazy susan."  


Instead of "I'd rather be pissed off than pissed on," I would say:  "I would rather you piss on this burrito if I just don't have any other options..."


Instead of "an apple a day keeps the doctor away," I would change it to: "I know what they say, but you pooped so much after eating that bag of apples.


Instead of the expression "À la carte," I would say "All I want is more nuggets!"


Instead of "a piece of the action," I would say "How are we going to clean up all of this barf?"


Instead of "the hair of the dog that bit you," I would say "Can I please stop eating this bag of dog food? You made your point and I miss my family."


Instead of "how do you do," I would say "You're roller skate is untied. Just kidding. But seriously, where were you this morning? I was in the woods for hours. I thought I kept hearing a bear and played dead. As it turns out I was just really hungry and it was my stomach." 


The Ben Franklin quote about beer. I made it more personal: " proof that god loves us and wants us to be happy? Cheetos. Next question." 


Instead of "hit the ground running," I would say "sir, if you just put down the gun I swear I'll stop eating this delicious stack of pancakes."


Instead of "high and dry," I would say "whatever the cops tell you, don't say a word. Applebees don't have security cameras. Do you still have the diamonds?"


Instead of "head over heels," I would say "I wonder if those Asians will ever stop falling down that escalator. Oh, there's the food court!"


On new years eve, instead of "Happy new year!" I would say "Everyone stop counting so loud. It's midnight and I'm trying to sleep. Tomorrow is New Years day, I need my sleep for the party. "


Instead of  "off the record," I would say "just hand me a wet nap and look away. I said LOOK AWAY FROM ME!"


Instead of "Hunky-Dory," I would say "Im really glad I'm not the kind of person that would ever say Hunky-Dory"





I want to keep writing but if this just isn't funny, then Im that guy at the party who smells like Cheetos telling that horrible story and everyone is wishing I had gotten killed on the way to the party. But if you did find it funny...I did too. 

_I was not high when I wrote these_

Fart Bubble: Piss...and Spit!

Ashley?

For some reason whenever a guy goes to take a piss when he is wasted, he will spit into the urinal/onto the ground. I do it every time I'm drunk and peeing. Every guy next to me in every bar bathroom I've ever been to did it.  I wonder if girls do that when they're wasted. Can you imagine some/every wasted girl sitting there spitting in between her legs trying not to get it on herself? The margin for error is exponentially greater in that case. I find that image hilarious.

PS- I found the my acting debut online. I was in this my senior year of college. I was as drunk as I look, possibly the only redeeming quality of this video.

Tits N' Dicks.

I went to facebook to get advice on what my next post should be about. All I got was people proclaiming their desire for me to go on about tits and dicks. So here it goes.

Tits: Round. Have Hershey kisses on the ends of them. They make me act funny. They make babies stay alive. Big ones are instantly noticed. Really small ones are ironically instantly noticed.

Dicks: Cylindrical. Have unusual shape on the end of them. Mine makes me act funny. They can be really hilarious. They create DNA copies of people. Gays love them. Gays have no biological use of their DNA = Viscous circle.

- Tits and Dicks  segment complete.

Moving on.

I can't think of any one subject to talk about, but as more people tell me how much they like reading MayiSmell, I feel increasingly obligated to say something, to keep everyone happy, and because I like the attention.

Fart Bubble: I dont know about you, but i dont know whay they call them urinal cakes. They taste nothing like cake and only psychos eat of toilets (amendment: bums and people ages 3 and younger)

Fart Bubble: I put one of those Christmas candle things you put in your windows into my mouth when I was a baby. I severely burned my hands and mouth. I must have been a pretty dumb baby because you would think I would have learned my lesson when my hands were burning.

I didnt.

Instead of dropping the candle, I decided that keeping it in my mouth would be a better idea until I figured out what to do about the pain in my hands.

Fart Bubble: Refer to yourself as a racist in public. People get so confused .


 "...then again I could be wrong, I probably just think that because I'm racist." 

People calling one another a racist is like the new Hollywood communist witch hunt. Maybe I notice it more because im in the most liberal epicenter in the US, but when someone accuses someone of being a racist the person in question usually gets more offended than whatever questionable racist comment was said.


"Yea but then again, Mexicans sure are hard workers..."
Excuse me, that was really racist.
"I can't believe you would think I'm RACIST! My fourth cousin's roommate is half black! Me being racist would be like me hating myself for being ______ (whatever race they are)!"

Incredibly lame verbal argument ensues.

I love how people have to point out that whatever comment someone said was racist. Maybe there was a dash of racism rational to what was said, but is it really important enough to make a scene over? Whats crazy is the stuff you can say out loud and nobody would say anything to you.

"Yea but then again I didnt have a choice, I had to beat his ass and stab him 4 times in the chest."

Nobody would say a word.

If someone overhears you admit to possibly killing someone, they would never say anything. If someone hears you lump someone of any race into a category for whatever reason, good or bad, you are given the Scarlett "R" and you are considered ignorant and out of touch. Don't stereotypes exist because people noticed a certain trait  repeating its self specifically to one group of people. I don't get pissed at all when someone says something about white people.

"White people can't dance"

Justin Timberlake can dance, so honestly there are holes in that statement. But then again, have you ever been to a wedding? Have you ever been to a drunk college bar? The majority of white people cannot dance. Me included.

I love the "white frat kid" dancing techniques I observed in college. Hammered guy initiates dance with girl. Girl immediately turns around and faces the opposite direction of the guy, essentially rubbing her butt on his giggle stick. Guy proceeds to do the classic "literally move my ass 1 foot to he right, then one foot to the left. Repeat until too drunk to stand. Oh and be sure to sweat a lot" move. He will sing along with whatever shitty top 40 rap song thats playing. He will know about 6 words total. I know a million dudes of equal or lesser value than these guys. They perpetuate the white stereotype. Most other races would consider these guys to be pretty classic examples of white guys. I would have to agree. Next song.

Fart Bubble: Weed is everywhere. They say we are the closest to the legalization of marijuana in the history if the plant's prohibition. A) Thats awesome B) Does anyone else notice weed literally everywhere you go?

I was a dinner the other night and a guy was smoking a joint at the table next to me and nobody said anything to him. It was a pretty nice restaurant too. It made me so happy. Nobody even gave him a weird look. If it was a cigarette I think someone would have been more upset or likely to complain. The other day a friend of mine was at one of the 900 weed stores in LA and she referred to it as weed. A fellow patron of the store shushed her and told her that calling it weed was politically incorrect. She insisted my friend refer to it as a flower or medicine. Semantics.

Thats all for now.

-Dilly sticks.

Experiment: Creating suspicion.

 I think it is safe to say that once two people are dating/sleeping with each other for an extended period of time. they earn each others trust and often start having sex without protection. The girl is on the pill, she has seen the guy's "member" enough to have ruled out the possibility of him having something transmittable (which is ridiculous but that is what happens) and they go at it. Pretty normal. Generally healthy. 

I was thinking it would be funny to see how a girl would react if you were about to have your now implied unprotected sex (which you have been doing for months/years with this person) and right before you start you just put on a condom and go forward like nothing out of the ordinary had happened. 

She would probably say something, but just trying to read her face and expression before she said anything would be really funny to me. If anyone reading this has a girlfriend youve been dating for a long time, give it a shot (punn intended) and see how she reacts. You have to keep a straight face and act really confused if she says something. 

Featured post coming this week.

-Jack Dawson

That girl: The Douche.

For some reason and I don't know why, girls often dodge insulting labels like being called a fag or a douche. these terms are always used when describing a guy with less than awesome traits for whatever reason. Girls are never reduced to being called a fag or a douche. They have whore and bitch, labels often given to men as well. I think that is horse shit.

Nomenclature: "Duntch" : Definition: Douche-unassuming-Bitch

Some of the douchiest people I've ever met were girls. It's so funny using it in public. The next time some girl is in a bar being obnoxious/gross, call her a douche or a fag to your friends. It always gets a big reaction but it is the truth. There are many sub categories of the girl douche, the centerpiece of today's investigative observational report: Queen of the scene.

There is a difference if a girl is collected and confident. That is very attractive and awesome, although oddly rare. The contrast is the pretty/semi-pretty girl who has recieved a lot of attention and believes that she's hot shit. She gets cocky and her style begins to reflect it.

That is the most dangerous state of mind a girl could ever have.

The Queen of the scene: Yea, she's here. She knows you saw her come in. She has personailty for days and the hat to match. This douche can be in any scene, the college sorority scene, the inner city young and hip elite, ect. Anywhere that has definitive style, she is the characature. She might have been the ring leader of whatever clique she has ever been a part of. she has received enough complements from the drones that have always looked up to her to make her hyper aware that she is attractive and popular. She’s the girl wearing the fedora hat at the bar. Yes, that look is cool, if youre on stange at a strip club, anywhere else it just makes her an ass hat.

This girl will often post videos of her and her friends singing or dancing on facebook. A lot of girls do this, but here is where the duntchy distinction lies: her eyes. Her eyes are always fixed on the screen so she can keep a constant check on how cool she looks. She isnt singing and dancing to be funny, she’s doing it to amuse the shit out of herself, and she now has the luxury of reliving that moment over and over again to watch at her leisure. She performs a good dozen sweeps of the video for aything that isn’t turbo cool or to make sure that her lips are puckered for 90% of it.

( I have 1 girl and a video of her in mind that I would post, but she’s friends with my roomates and I don’t want to shit where I eat. I can assure you, she is the coolest person she has ever met.)

The LA duntch scene is thriving. Every girl knows a bunch of people who know a bunch of people who work with a bunch of people that are really awesome and conncted. As lame as these girls are, they are extremely well connected, which can be very advantageous around here. I have to give them credit there. They have access to shit I never will. Whenever I get a glimpse of that (as ive mentioned before) world, it’s usually pretty boring. Sometimes it is really fucking cool though. I guess I’ll never know. I personally have a hard time with anyone who takes themselves too seriously. They have this rock hard idea of who they are and what category they fit into and with it comes this barrage of really lame ideals they try to buy into and lose sight of the fact that they look like an asshole.

i.e: Girls that wear makeup to the gym.

If they could wear heels on the treadmill they would. In LA if you go to certain gyms, people get all dolled up to work out. They go to the gym as a way to get seen. By who I don’t know. When I go to the gym I try to look as uncool as possible in hopes of throwing th universe back into proper sync. Maintaining a straight face while acting like you don’t know people are looking at you and intentionally doing something wrong…one of the most fulfilling things I can do. What duntch groups do you often see when you go out? If you ever find yourself in an argument with one, end whatever you are saying with. “God you’re a douche.” Her jaw will drop.

Wanna go ride bikes?

Here's a little nugget I think everyone can appreciate. It's 4am, the party is dying down, another Monday night for the books...perfectly normal, perfectly healthy. Most of your friends have either passed out, gone home, or buddied up into a semi coherent heart to heart. What I love about the semi coherent heart to heart is that both parties aren't really listening to each other. They are just waiting for their chance to talk at someone about how close they were with their high school soccer teammate and what brotherhood means to them haha. The SCH2H is a 90% hookup guarantee when the opposite sex is involved which leads me to the topic of todays rant.

The music is still blaring in a room with nobody in it. The fog machine is sporadically purging it lines. The guy nobody knows is passed out in your bathroom and the keg is tapped. What I love is when you're walking around the house trying to find any survivors and you come into a room with one of your friends having the semi coherent heart to heart with some girl (or vice versa). You are relieved to find one of your friends still up, but that excitement quickly dies when you get "the look." It is totally understood by anyone who has ever gotten laid, ever. 

You: "Oh, cool you're still up. Dude. You are not going to believe what I saw this bum doing with a sandwich..."

(sword noise)

Your friend shoots you "the look" but says nothing.

                                                                        "The Look"

You: So I guess I'll see you tomorrow, I'm pretty wasted. Gonna hit the hay. (To Girl) It was nice meeting...whats your name? It was nice meeting you Kelly. Fake Yawn.


("The look" is interchangeable with completely being ignored by your friend after you said your entrance greeting and they don't look up. Less Common, equally affective.)


You get it. It's a two person party. The tone is set. Catch the next bus.

But when you were growing up? Totally different. I remember so many times hanging out with my girlfriend somewhere around my house and my little brother would come in. He didn't do signals. A 9 year old boy doesn't do subtle hints. I remember laying around in our secluded basement with my girlfriend at the time watching TV, maybe we were about to hook up, maybe I just wanted to be alone with her. My little brother would come in the room and sit down and watch whatever we were watching. For whatever reason when you are 17 laying on a couch with your girlfriend, you really don't want any interruptions/ road hazards on the road to possibly seeing some action. So naturally I would say somethign to the effect of...

"Maybe you should go upstairs, LEAVE."

Pretty obvious, pretty direct. Almost every single time I said that, his answer was always "no." He didn't want a reason, he didn't even care about what was going on, what was on TV, he just didnt want to go because then what, go chill with mom? Naturally, when you ask someone to leave (which is pretty infrequent as an adult) they get it. Who wants to be somewhere when someone is making it beyond obvious that you're not welcome and any witnessing parties aren't objecting. I would go on and be aggressive.

"Dude get the fuck out of here"

Still he would just say "no." The best part is after trying to drag him out of the room and his repeated attempts to come back in, I would give in and eventually relocate (he was too young to beat the shit out of at the time so I all I could do what be a dick.) Within 5 minutes of going elsewhere, he would show up! So at some point is that adorable retard skull not only did he get the tv to himself, he missed me telling him to eat shit enough to seek me out, like nothing had happened. It's hilarious to think about because it was so long ago and so normal at the time. Can you imagine applying that scenario to your adult life?

Your roommate walks in and takes a seat; you're just watching tv with a girl. You look your buddy in the eyes and the first thing that comes out of your mouth is, "Hey man, maybe now would be a good time to be anywhere but here, fuck off." (silence and staring) "No?"  That would be such a bridge burner. You can't talk to people like that when you're older, they would take it so personally. I would too. A little kid? They have the emotional memory of a goldfish. I would get in brawls with any one of my brothers over something stupid and maybe 20 seconds later, while still winded it would be like, "...so you wanna go ride bikes?"

All for now.

-Ted (from that show "Hey Dude")

Fart Bubble: MS Word

I just remembered the first time I used Microsoft Word and I had misspelled a word and that red underline thing came up. I just didn't understand and said fuck it because I didn't want red and green lines all over my paper after I printed it out. That same frustration is probably how my mom has felt trying to email pictures for the past decade.

Hollywood:It's Everything The Hills and Entourage would have you believe! (if you're famous)

"Holy shit dude! You live in HOLLYWOOD?!?!?! I love Entourage! I bet the girls are so hot! Do you know any famous people? My second cousin's roommate's brother's roommate's friend lives out there. He's some club promoter or works in movies or has this friend or something, Ill give you his number."

"Yea dude," a buddy says to another buddy back home on the phone. "Swear to god bro, I was hammered drunk in this club 'Les Deux,' yea the one from The Hills, and guess who I run into man? swear to god, CARROT TOP walks out and I totally offered to buy him a shot! And CT was all... 'no thanks man.' I couldnt fucking believe it bro!" That was my original title but I figured if i kept it down here in the body I could make this thing top heavy with paraphrased quotes I've never really heard, but might as well have.

Hollywood does weird things to your head. On one hand, you see extreme wealth and glam defined before your eyes every day and every night. Rich kids of parents whose parent's grandparents inherited their grandfathers trust fund run rampant all over this town. The clubs are slammed with girls you and I will never have (not such a bad thing). There are dudes under 30 with lots of scruff driving around ferraris with more money put into them than two of my cars were worth straight off of the production line...after they paid the $200,000 sticker price. There are houses with guest houses bigger than anything I ever saw back east and blah blah blah you get it. Its a fantasy world. When you first move here all of this stuff quickly divides the newcomers into groups A & B

These groups develop in a similar fashion to prenatal humans. First all humans at some stage develop nipples before they develop their reproductive routings. At least thats my logic to why men have nipples. Both new groups to LA get all excited and motivated and everyone feels like they're doing 'it.' But eventually group "A" wakes up and realizes their looks aren't getting them much farther. They drop out of their first acting class soon after running out of money, then either go back home, or get a real job and actually try to "make it." Then there is group "B." Group "B" have it in their minds that they have what it takes. They are the next Leo, but with better jaw lines. They were either outspoken, rejected, or had a bad rep in their hometown and now its their turn to prove it to the prom kings and queens of the world that they really were just late bloomers. Group "B" go to all of the trendy clubs they see John Mayer standing on a soap box in front of on TMZ. They are the group you see following Lacey from "Rock of Love" to her Kia after a night partying at a club John Mayer used to go to 3 years ago (perspective as to how lame that place is now...bro). They are the friends of the people you dont give a shit about on TV because they see them as their in.

"Yea, 'The Mizz' punched my mom in the face at my little sisters baptism but come on, he's on TV!"

I want to stop myself here and take the time to point out that I'm aware that I sound bitter. And honestly I definitely had dipped my toes in the shallow end of group B for a brief time. I had a cheesy headshot, an agent in the valley, and bullshitted for 6 months when I first got here. I developed my nipples, then thought I would give going out, working and getting it a shot. The idea of "doing it," has really changed for me over the past couple of years. When I first got here all I wanted was to be plugged in, know where to go, who to talk to, and be everything I saw around me. But then I went to the clubs, I saw the girls, I went to the pool parties and talked to a few people I recognized on tv. It's as disappointing and unfulfilling as most skeptics would expect.

The clubs are so boring because everyone there is so focused on looking good and looking around to see how they can get Lohan's attention. That beautiful girl at Stiffler's table is a dead-behind-the-eyes troll. The first question out of everybody's mouth is either, where do you live? or what do you do?  It's such a rat race that going out at night is a lot of people's biggest prospect of finding work. In turn the "what can  you do for me?" attitude is born. It grew legs over night and its still spreading like the rage virus in 28 Weeks Later (rad movie).

The most boring party I ever went to was for some  rich friend of this girl I was dating at this unbelievable house that Frank Sinatra used to own in the Hollywood Hills. The pool house bar had a picture of Sinatra leaning against the wall chilling with a drink in the exact spot the picture was taken/hanging. Beautiful house, jungle back yard, gas fire lining the entire outer pool wall, open bar, pretty people. Very Hollywood. But they had all been there and done that and they were honestly just bored. No dancing, no fun. Just lots of expensive wrapping to a bunch of mediocre presence (spelling punn intended).

Cool people, actual fun people with something to say who don't care so much about looking cool are so removed from that whole scene.  It took being new and not having their nipps to get there. Everyone has the club phase. Everybody wants a piece until they realize it tastes like hangover mouth (Random point: ever notice how cranberry and vodka makes people's breath instantly kind of miserable? Start paying attention, I bet you stop drinking them). Then they go to actual fun bars and do fun things. They go on stupid bar crawls and host dance parties in their living rooms. They throw David Bowie costume parties and karaoke horrible songs.They make some noise and fall into some piss (you got your shout out:)

 Enter my love of electronic music. Want to see the biggest group of people who are not afraid of looking stupid and just want to have a blast? Go to a massive electro show in Los Angeles, or anywhere for that matter. These psychos are so hell bent on having a good time that it can get messy. That whole scene is spreading like crazy (that video is pretty gnar but you get the idea).

The strange part: having said all of that, going back home is really weird, at least for me. In some ways you get inevitably (i don't want to use the word jaded here but...) jaded to some degree or at least sound like it because of the same cornering questions everyone asks. It's the same variation of, "whats it like seeing movie stars all of the time?" The truth: "about as exciting as taking a neighbors friend's cat to the vet." But thats how you sound pompous, because for some reason they think that passing an actor on the sidewalk is mind blowing. It is simply passing someone you don't know on the sidewalk or out at dinner. I passed Britney on the sidewalk so naturally we played spin the bottle, then she gave me a helicopter full of cash.  Its almost easier to lie and just say no because they trap you into name dropping, which is one of the lamest things someone can do to sound cool. (I literally heard a guy arguing with a bouncer to get into a club once because he swore up and down that he was at Lindsay Lohan's pool party a few days prior and that they should let him in. She wasn't even at that club, he just thought since he was at a party she hosted, that he was cool and thus deserved to be inside.) From now on when somebody asks me if I see famous people all of the time  im going to respond with, "not since the film industry moved to Tijuana because of tax incentives and cheaper street drugs." or simply "not since 9/11."

I dont really know where any of this is going. Just some observational rambling for boredom's sake. Im tapped, getting redundant and im second guessing this whole rant which means it's time to quit and just put up what I've got for everyone I know to judge.


-Kevin Bacon-


Interesting news: I'm on the verge of becoming a professional blogger thanks to people I've never met that like my words. WOO new media!

GORILLAZ!

Preview what might be the sickest_album of 2010. I'd sell one of my kidneys and balls as a package deal on the black market to get Monday March 8th to just get here. Enjoy.