"Yea dude," a buddy says to another buddy back home on the phone. "Swear to god bro, I was hammered drunk in this club 'Les Deux,' yea the one from The Hills, and guess who I run into man? swear to god, CARROT TOP walks out and I totally offered to buy him a shot! And CT was all... 'no thanks man.' I couldnt fucking believe it bro!" That was my original title but I figured if i kept it down here in the body I could make this thing top heavy with paraphrased quotes I've never really heard, but might as well have.
Hollywood does weird things to your head. On one hand, you see extreme wealth and glam defined before your eyes every day and every night. Rich kids of parents whose parent's grandparents inherited their grandfathers trust fund run rampant all over this town. The clubs are slammed with girls you and I will never have (not such a bad thing). There are dudes under 30 with lots of scruff driving around ferraris with more money put into them than two of my cars were worth straight off of the production line...after they paid the $200,000 sticker price. There are houses with guest houses bigger than anything I ever saw back east and blah blah blah you get it. Its a fantasy world. When you first move here all of this stuff quickly divides the newcomers into groups A & B
These groups develop in a similar fashion to prenatal humans. First all humans at some stage develop nipples before they develop their reproductive routings. At least thats my logic to why men have nipples. Both new groups to LA get all excited and motivated and everyone feels like they're doing 'it.' But eventually group "A" wakes up and realizes their looks aren't getting them much farther. They drop out of their first acting class soon after running out of money, then either go back home, or get a real job and actually try to "make it." Then there is group "B." Group "B" have it in their minds that they have what it takes. They are the next Leo, but with better jaw lines. They were either outspoken, rejected, or had a bad rep in their hometown and now its their turn to prove it to the prom kings and queens of the world that they really were just late bloomers. Group "B" go to all of the trendy clubs they see John Mayer standing on a soap box in front of on TMZ. They are the group you see following Lacey from "Rock of Love" to her Kia after a night partying at a club John Mayer used to go to 3 years ago (perspective as to how lame that place is now...bro). They are the friends of the people you dont give a shit about on TV because they see them as their in.
"Yea, 'The Mizz' punched my mom in the face at my little sisters baptism but come on, he's on TV!"
I want to stop myself here and take the time to point out that I'm aware that I sound bitter. And honestly I definitely had dipped my toes in the shallow end of group B for a brief time. I had a cheesy headshot, an agent in the valley, and bullshitted for 6 months when I first got here. I developed my nipples, then thought I would give going out, working and getting it a shot. The idea of "doing it," has really changed for me over the past couple of years. When I first got here all I wanted was to be plugged in, know where to go, who to talk to, and be everything I saw around me. But then I went to the clubs, I saw the girls, I went to the pool parties and talked to a few people I recognized on tv. It's as disappointing and unfulfilling as most skeptics would expect.
The clubs are so boring because everyone there is so focused on looking good and looking around to see how they can get Lohan's attention. That beautiful girl at Stiffler's table is a dead-behind-the-eyes troll. The first question out of everybody's mouth is either, where do you live? or what do you do? It's such a rat race that going out at night is a lot of people's biggest prospect of finding work. In turn the "what can you do for me?" attitude is born. It grew legs over night and its still spreading like the rage virus in 28 Weeks Later (rad movie).
The most boring party I ever went to was for some rich friend of this girl I was dating at this unbelievable house that Frank Sinatra used to own in the Hollywood Hills. The pool house bar had a picture of Sinatra leaning against the wall chilling with a drink in the exact spot the picture was taken/hanging. Beautiful house, jungle back yard, gas fire lining the entire outer pool wall, open bar, pretty people. Very Hollywood. But they had all been there and done that and they were honestly just bored. No dancing, no fun. Just lots of expensive wrapping to a bunch of mediocre presence (spelling punn intended).
Cool people, actual fun people with something to say who don't care so much about looking cool are so removed from that whole scene. It took being new and not having their nipps to get there. Everyone has the club phase. Everybody wants a piece until they realize it tastes like hangover mouth (Random point: ever notice how cranberry and vodka makes people's breath instantly kind of miserable? Start paying attention, I bet you stop drinking them). Then they go to actual fun bars and do fun things. They go on stupid bar crawls and host dance parties in their living rooms. They throw David Bowie costume parties and karaoke horrible songs.They make some noise and fall into some piss (you got your shout out:)
Enter my love of electronic music. Want to see the biggest group of people who are not afraid of looking stupid and just want to have a blast? Go to a massive electro show in Los Angeles, or anywhere for that matter. These psychos are so hell bent on having a good time that it can get messy. That whole scene is spreading like crazy (that video is pretty gnar but you get the idea).
The strange part: having said all of that, going back home is really weird, at least for me. In some ways you get inevitably (i don't want to use the word jaded here but...) jaded to some degree or at least sound like it because of the same cornering questions everyone asks. It's the same variation of, "whats it like seeing movie stars all of the time?" The truth: "about as exciting as taking a neighbors friend's cat to the vet." But thats how you sound pompous, because for some reason they think that passing an actor on the sidewalk is mind blowing. It is simply passing someone you don't know on the sidewalk or out at dinner. I passed Britney on the sidewalk so naturally we played spin the bottle, then she gave me a helicopter full of cash. Its almost easier to lie and just say no because they trap you into name dropping, which is one of the lamest things someone can do to sound cool. (I literally heard a guy arguing with a bouncer to get into a club once because he swore up and down that he was at Lindsay Lohan's pool party a few days prior and that they should let him in. She wasn't even at that club, he just thought since he was at a party she hosted, that he was cool and thus deserved to be inside.) From now on when somebody asks me if I see famous people all of the time im going to respond with, "not since the film industry moved to Tijuana because of tax incentives and cheaper street drugs." or simply "not since 9/11."
I dont really know where any of this is going. Just some observational rambling for boredom's sake. Im tapped, getting redundant and im second guessing this whole rant which means it's time to quit and just put up what I've got for everyone I know to judge.
-Kevin Bacon-
Interesting news: I'm on the verge of becoming a professional blogger thanks to people I've never met that like my words. WOO new media!
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